We're at 38 weeks and 5 days today. 9 days and counting. Little "Flower" is still moving, but slowing down just a bit. She is getting bigger, I'm sure, and I am getting anxious to meet her. I've been going through a roller coaster of emotions and anxieties as we anticipate having three girls. Sometimes it's easier to focus on just being pregnant and then on labor preparations without making the final jump to nursing and mothering a new baby, for me anyway. I think this is in part due to the fact that the nursing and mothering was not at all what I expected when Isabel was born. We had a bit more of a struggle to find our connection and consciously accept the parenting responsibilities as Isabel wasn't insisting on any of them. It wasn't as effortless and natural as the first time. We hope that this new baby will be as demanding and fussing as Calla was so that we don't have to think too much about what we're doing. I am expecting her to be a voracious nurser as that seems to provide the most solid foundation and most fulfilling bonding.
Birth and labor have been very present in my thoughts over the last two weeks. I've felt a little anxiety there as well as I've tried to visualize things and had to deal for a few weeks with the possibility of a breech baby. I discovered that I don't want to visualize too much as the real essence of giving birth is surrendering to the moment and letting your thoughts, feelings, choices, and actions reflect your true self rather than somebody else's model of an ideal birth. The only real thoughts I've decided to take with me are these: This is the most essential and exhilarating experience of a woman's life and it is quite a rush to experience the intensity of the ebb and flow contractions. I anticipate it to be overwhelming and thrilling, an immensely positive and formative experience in my life. I'm going into this experience with my eyes open (3rd time) and I intend to keep them open and be more aware of the baby in my belly and how near she will come to me with each rush. Even though this will be my third time, it will actually by my first, unknown, never before experienced, a new life, a unique, unforeseeable progression. I won't be hypnobirthing. I won't be Bradley birthing. I'll be Emily birthing. If I ever offered birth education, I would title my classes "Authentic Birth."
Calla and Isabel are eager to meet this baby in mom's tummy. Calla more than Isabel. I think at some point it will come as a great shock to Isa, but we are working on some independence and coping skills to help her adjust more easily (sleeping in the bunk bed near Calla, trying to communicate needs and wants with more words, settling down from tantrums with a little space, sitting, reading, and laughing on the training toilet, etc.) It's been nice the last few days to pull a little bit away from the birth preparations and just focus on the family as is and mothering the two girls I have. With Calla we've been swinging and reading. With Isabel, we've been blowing bubbles and sorting shapes. That's helped me more than anything to have a calm heart and mind and confidence in my ability to appreciate and nurture a third unique personality. She'll come soon enough and when we're all ready.
Calla came home from preschool today with her "heart full of love." She had a sad look on her face and a very quiet demeanor. I asked if she was tired, hungry or sad and her teacher told us that her old preschool teacher, Jeanine, came to visit today and they also dressed up for graduation pictures. I think Calla was filled with a sense of loss and longing as she realized that Jeanine wasn't her teacher anymore and that after May, she wouldn't be going to preschool anymore. She is getting older and is fielding some more complex emotions. This one was hard for her to nail down and deal with. As we drove home she burst into tears and was just weeping over this feeling of loss. I tried to give her some context for her emotions and explained that this meant she was getting bigger and her heart was getting fuller because she loves more people. I also tried to explain that we sometimes have to say goodbye for a time to people we love, but we can always be friends. I also suggested that we would get Jeanine's address so we could still write her letters. These consolations might describe the reality of the situation, but Calla just needed to cry a bit longer: all the way home and well into lunch (I thought food would settle her a bit). She needed a little help so I told her that she needed to settle her heart and think about things that would make her happy, things she could do for Jeanine that would show her love. She struggled and really tried to settle her heart. As we finished lunch, we went downstairs together to tuck Isabel in for a nap and read a story. Calla joined us with a "sippy" cup and a "snuggly," but needed to leave to find one of her teddy bears. She cautioned me to not let Isabel drink from her cup because her "heart was full of love." I promised to keep Isabel safe until she got back. Oh, my heart is full of love for Calla and Isabel and David. I know it will feel even fuller within the coming days. Love to you. E
Pics: Isabel: Easter Morning, Calla: still a little bit oral, Dad: ward easter breakfast, Mom: Easter morning
