Belle and I are settling into a routine of much needed one-on-one time. Her language skills are taking off sans spokesister. I am learning to pay more attention to her speech and needs. Her speech therapist is coming this Thursday and she will surely be testing out of the program that day. Hooray for Belle!
We started a bit of potty training this week as she will often take her diaper off as soon as it's wet and she usually announces after she has filled it. I've been pretty laid back about it, until this weekend. I let myself get carried away with too many commitments in one day and too many thoughts of "performance" like putting on a dinner for somebody, making sure the peaches don't get wasted, etc.
She had an amazing day when she went "tinkle" twice on the potty in one day, but by the end of the day we were both tired. I was busy trying to get the dinner on and she was exhausted and wanting milk. We were out. I just couldn't see the solution of offering water or even making powdered milk. She would have accepted it gladly. So I just kept listening to her crying, going crazy in my mind, and saying we don't have milk. We'll have to go to the store later. Anyway, things totally degenerated. I ended up having to stop what I was doing anyway to take off her wet pants and underwear after an accident and as the crying and wailing continued the phrase "Just get away from me," escaped loudly from my mouth. Oh not to mention I had just accidentally kneed her in the head as I was hurriedly exiting the bathroom.
Humm. Not a great day as far as following the "warmth=confidence" mantra. Where was my warmth and compassion? Where was my focus? What was my priority? Well it definitely wasn't Belle. It wasn't Calla or Daphne for that matter. It was me. I decided I don't ever want to do that again.
Needless to say, I think we'll wait a bit for potty training until Belle really starts asking for it. I haven't quite caught up with my sleep for me to really make this a productive and joyful step for Belle. Belle's wakes up as much or more than Daphne so I have spent many days like a walking zombie. I don't offer this as an excuse for the inexcusable, I just have become more aware of where my feelings, thoughts, and unmet physical needs can take me. I don't want my children to be safer away from me than they are when they are near me.
I am casting off all performance and I am refocusing on my children. I am going to spend the week really listening to Belle and Calla and Daphne and responding more timely and appropriately. This is what I am here to learn. This is what I signed on for by choosing to have children. How grateful I am to have such loving, energetic, and beautiful girls. I hope they will remember I was a kind and loving mother who taught them well and exuded warmth and tenderness. Dave watched with Belle that night so I could sleep alone in another room and just take care of Daphne. It helped a lot and I was much happier to see her in the morning. We might do this again if needed to help both Belle and I move into a new phase of interdependence. E
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